Banning Valentine’s

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There nothing sexier than doing something illegal, whether it’s drinking bathtub gin or doing something somewhat more sanitary. That’s the appeal behind prohibition and robbing stagecoaches.

And that’s why Valentine’s Day should be banned. It would only increase the popularity of the holiday and actually make it cool.

To those whiners who say that Valentine’s Day is a commercial holiday: Duh. It’s not a political or religious holiday, so of course it’s a commercial holiday. Political holidays have fireworks, drinking and days off work while religious ones have meaning and significance (and sometimes days off). Commercial holidays get stiffed. Arbor Day, Take Your Kid to Work Day, the only cool commercial holidays are Halloween and April Fool’s Day. That’s why the Valentine’s Day cabal has to get the holiday banned. Because Valentine’s Day can’t rely on cheap scares or costumes, the romance is left to compete with those other prank-based holidays. There’s got to be a way to make Valentine’s Day something guys look forward to and pushing the holiday underground is the way to do it.

For me, the coolest thing about the day is Al Capone’s St. Valentine’s Day Massacre, or rather the History Channel’s never-ending, never-updated coverage of the 1929 gangland hit. Banning the hooch worked miracles for Capone’s business; it would work for Valentine’s Day too. Husbands and boyfriends are already on board with me, they want a black market where they can buy bootleg roses for their significant others. Visiting an illegal florist is manly; visiting a florist is not so much. Wives and girlfriends, I suppose, secretly want their men to be daring and risk arrest to demonstrate their love and devotion.

Kuwait and Saudi Arabia already have bans or restrictions on Valentine’s Day activities because of religious reasons. Businesses should get behind the measure, because the U.K.’s Telegraph reports that one rose seller makes an extra six or seven bucks per rose in the black market the Saudi Arabia ban creates.

There’s hope yet for a holiday built on candy – Halloween paved the way. Banning Valentine’s Day is the best way to get rid of the cheesiest crap, but keep the candy and kissing and romance.

Valentine’s Day has been, for too long, just an excuse to get your better half something special. What would really be special is surprising them on any other day. I got something up my sleeve for my fiancée, but because it’s not illegal yet, it’s got to be even better than if it was. Can anyone out there do me a solid and ban a nice dinner?

 

Mike Ellis

Columnist

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