More how The Simpsons would vote

by

Springfield ’08

So I wanted to write an article about The Simpsons in politics. Thought I was original, ahh sweet disappointment. The New Republic recently pointed out Hillary strategist Mark Penn may have stole his marquee slogan from The Simpsons, Huffington Post writers compared each candidate’ plans to Bart’s empty playground promises. Washington Post’s Chris Cillizza blogged about the Simpson’s ‘mediocre presidents’ song. Jonah Goldberg wrote about them too. Academics have written articles and books on the subject. I can take scant pleasure in the knowledge that none of them were as arbitrary because they were too focused on “facts.” So here’s the rest of my “article.”

Grandpa: No freaking way would I try to interpret or care, what that old fart says.

Maggie: The only Simpson to ever shoot someone (who matters); if Maggie ever said more than one word (the movie and Halloween episodes don’t count) she would voice her support for gun rights and the independent John McCain.

Ned Flanders: Taking separation of church and state to heart, he never votes, picking one person over another just doesn’t jive with Flanders.

Sideshow Bob: The only Simpsons character to have successfully rigged an election in modern times would most certainly arrange the votes for either for himself or Mitt Romney, never mind if neither are official candidates.

Carl Carlson: “It’s all relative. Is Obama really that naive? Is Hillary really that frigid? Is McCain really even physically able to sleep with lobbyists? See, this is why I don’t talk much.”

Krusty the Clown: Publically kicked off of Hollywood’s Obama bandwagon following hundred of inappropriate jokes that culminated with the clown physically bludgeoning a young, disabled seal on live television to demonstrate (somehow) Obama’s message of hope.

Groundskeeper Willie: Wrong office, but he’s running: “If elected mayor my first act will be to kill the whole lot of ya, and burn yeh town to cinders.” Also in favor of man-tractor marriage. Really.

Otto Mann: Otto’s father is an admiral, just like McCain. But assuming he could make it to a polling place, Otto has none of the following: Driver’s license, identification of any kind or even underwear with his name on the band.

Lenny Leonard: A fellow war hero, Lenny could lean towards John McCain. But he also has a master’s degree; educated and white (Homer: “Lenny = white”) voters break heavily for Obama (excepting Mississippi). Not a Hillary Clinton supporter, because when women run the show Lenny can’t spit on the floor. His words, not mine.

Moe Szyslak: Would you really take voting advice from a bartender who accepts Alcoholics Anonymous chips as bar tender? The alcoholic was Barney and in all fairness his NASA-calculated tab was $14 billion, so it’s not like Moe thinks A.A. chips are worthless. Bookie Moe also gambles, extremely poorly and you can’t pick a worse bet than 500-to-one-shot Mike Gravel.

Barney: The town drunk favors Lord Palmsterston as Britain’s finest Prime Minister; Palmsterson was a liberal who rose rapidly to fame following a single powerful speech. Then again, it was defending the government’s naval bombardment of the Dutch and he was an interventionalist who didn’t think voting was a right. Thanks Wikipedia, still don’t know who he’d vote for. Let’s just say Ron Paul, okay?

Keep reading!

Smithers: Two weeks and I still got nothing.

Supernintendo Chaumers: Surprisingly eager to get merit pay implemented in Springfield. Paying by the quality will save him enough to buy a brand new Honda replete with the ornate hood “H.”

Lisa (original): Wishes she was old enough to vote, but that won’t stop her bleeding heart from going Obama all the way. Vote for Hillary? No, Lisa wants to be the first female president and prefers to break the glass ceiling herself, once dropping out of the football team after finding out there were already girls playing.

 

On the issues:

Burns on voting rights: “This anonymous clan of slack-jawed troglodytes has cost me the election. And yet, if I were to have them killed, I would be the one to go to jail. That’s democracy for you.”

Goundskeeper Willie on crime:
“I dinna cry when me own father was hung for stealing a pig.”

Willie on gun control:

Can’t fire a gun due to arthritis, favors fewer rake regulations

Maggie on gun control: Yeah, too obvious

Moe Sizlack on foreign policy: Once offered Homer $5 to slap Iran’s ayatollah (Homer knows better, as he is well versed in Iranian theocracy)

Moe on raising the retirement age: “Call this an unfair generalization if you must, but old people are no good at everything.”

Moe on race: “Maya Angelou is black?!?”

Apu on crime: “Pardon me, but I would like to see this money spent on more police officers. I have been shot eight times this year, and as a result, I almost missed work.”

Grandpa on state’s rights: “I’ll be deep in the cold, cold ground before I recognize Missouri.”

Mayor Quimby declaring his candidacy.
Monty Burns’ presidential Web site.

 

The Simpsons are a copyright of FOX, you all know that. The politicians are copyrights of their respective positions and actions.

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One Response to “More how The Simpsons would vote”

  1. madmilker Says:

    “We the People”just may in up with someone like Franklin Pierce before it’s said and done. With what the American people have to choose from sometimes you have to think outside the box.

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